I am not sure I want to write about what I am going through... It is painful mentally and physically! Tiring, draining, fearful, irritating... Its so damn depressing that I hit the dark corner! I don't know if I can hit a worst state.
I was feeling tired, losing hair, losing the capability to remember simple things, concentrate on task at hand... Past a few weeks, I noticed that I am more moody, more irritated, more prone to tears... I thought it is my usual issues, blamed on my periods and general mental state. Then started my headaches... I thought it was sinusitis and started my tablets, steam inhalation, hot water bottles and all other usual stuff. But nothing helped! No improvement, in fact, it worsened.
I travelled to Kerala on Feb 1st with my pain and depression. It just magnified a 100 folds! I couldnt keep my head up, hated the sounds, hated the light and hated everything around. I threw up whatever I ate! Only darkness, silence and lying down helped. Though everybody was trying to help me, I dint find any relief. Met a doctor on Feb 2nd who said it is tension headache and prescribed paracetamol and nose clearing spray! Tablet only made me drowsy. One of the Weddings for which I travelled to Kerala - I practically ran out of the noise and people. Next day, we travelled to Guruvayoor to see my parents. I think the travel in the car when sun was at the peak worsened my state.
I couldn't handle my pain, couldn't eat, I just wanted to lie down and cry! The next day, I saw another doctor(ENT on 3rd Feb) who said that what I have is migraine and prescribed some migraine tablets. I took the tablets and travelled back to Kozhikode to attend another wedding and return back to Bangalore. That trip was better, with me travelling lying down and kind of covered from sun for the most part. Anyway, I couldn't attend that wedding too and food smells were making me pukish.
We got into the train to return to Bangalore. I couldn't sit! Thankfully people started sleeping and lying down was far better! Night and lying down agrees with me and we reached back Bangalore. Reaching home from railway station was another nightmare in a local bus. I firmly believed that I have migraine and my tablets will bring down the pain. I tried to sleep and slowly work from home. Pain was not coming down. Only relief was lying down. I tried working lying down. It was an ordeal, but somehow, I managed.
I spent 5th and 6th Feb that way. 6th night was a nightmare. I hit another bottom with my depression. I knew somehow that it was not just migraine. 7th Feb, I called my rheumatologist who suggested ESR test. My vale was above 40 and he immediately asked me to increase my Omnacortil dosage by 6 times. I used to have half a tablet once a day. Suddenly I am eating 1 tablet each, 3 times a day. My windows were closed and curtained. God, that helped... I started feeling better. Next week, I could eat better without puking. I went to office on 12th Feb. Travel was a nightmare. I was feeling nauseated and vomited my breakfast. I managed the day somehow and decided to work from home for 2 more days. As doctor had suggested I was trying to reduce the dosage to 2 tablets per day after 3 days. I could see that my body protesting by noon... Asking for the tablet. I called the doctor again and he recommended the higher dosage back.
Friday(15th Feb), I went to office and it was better than Tuesday. I covered myself while I was travelling to office, din't go to cafeteria for lunch and took all precautions I could think of to avoid sun. But by evening I was drained out and tired.Saturday, we had our friends Daughter's 1st birthday party. I was feeling better and decided to go. I took the precautions - Long sleeved dress, sunscreen... The part was in an open area. The day was cloudy and it was not hot. I sat in the open area and enjoyed the day. But slowly I started feeling tired, giddy and nauseated. I thought that I have to fight it! I used up all my energy that day fighting against an unseen devil which I termed as laziness. I believed that!
That day night was bad! I couldn't manage. I am back to depressed drained out... My headache was back and I just wanted to die! Sunday, I got up from bed just for basic needs. I cried and cried. I couldn't help it. My worst nightmare came true. Monday, I had the doctor's appointment. I met my doctor and I was trying to be brave. Whatever he explained made sense - the most about my depression. I understood why I wanted to die. If I had a little more courage, I probably would have. Same dosage to continue and an injection. Another day in and out of sun did not help. Tuesday, I went to office but the day was laced with headache and depressing thoughts.
I knew that I needed rest and home. Thankfully 20th & 21st are bandh days. Thank god for small mercies! I am sitting at home and working. Better than going to office, but I still have headache. I am depressed. I really don't know what to do with myself.
I was feeling tired, losing hair, losing the capability to remember simple things, concentrate on task at hand... Past a few weeks, I noticed that I am more moody, more irritated, more prone to tears... I thought it is my usual issues, blamed on my periods and general mental state. Then started my headaches... I thought it was sinusitis and started my tablets, steam inhalation, hot water bottles and all other usual stuff. But nothing helped! No improvement, in fact, it worsened.
I travelled to Kerala on Feb 1st with my pain and depression. It just magnified a 100 folds! I couldnt keep my head up, hated the sounds, hated the light and hated everything around. I threw up whatever I ate! Only darkness, silence and lying down helped. Though everybody was trying to help me, I dint find any relief. Met a doctor on Feb 2nd who said it is tension headache and prescribed paracetamol and nose clearing spray! Tablet only made me drowsy. One of the Weddings for which I travelled to Kerala - I practically ran out of the noise and people. Next day, we travelled to Guruvayoor to see my parents. I think the travel in the car when sun was at the peak worsened my state.
I couldn't handle my pain, couldn't eat, I just wanted to lie down and cry! The next day, I saw another doctor(ENT on 3rd Feb) who said that what I have is migraine and prescribed some migraine tablets. I took the tablets and travelled back to Kozhikode to attend another wedding and return back to Bangalore. That trip was better, with me travelling lying down and kind of covered from sun for the most part. Anyway, I couldn't attend that wedding too and food smells were making me pukish.
We got into the train to return to Bangalore. I couldn't sit! Thankfully people started sleeping and lying down was far better! Night and lying down agrees with me and we reached back Bangalore. Reaching home from railway station was another nightmare in a local bus. I firmly believed that I have migraine and my tablets will bring down the pain. I tried to sleep and slowly work from home. Pain was not coming down. Only relief was lying down. I tried working lying down. It was an ordeal, but somehow, I managed.
I spent 5th and 6th Feb that way. 6th night was a nightmare. I hit another bottom with my depression. I knew somehow that it was not just migraine. 7th Feb, I called my rheumatologist who suggested ESR test. My vale was above 40 and he immediately asked me to increase my Omnacortil dosage by 6 times. I used to have half a tablet once a day. Suddenly I am eating 1 tablet each, 3 times a day. My windows were closed and curtained. God, that helped... I started feeling better. Next week, I could eat better without puking. I went to office on 12th Feb. Travel was a nightmare. I was feeling nauseated and vomited my breakfast. I managed the day somehow and decided to work from home for 2 more days. As doctor had suggested I was trying to reduce the dosage to 2 tablets per day after 3 days. I could see that my body protesting by noon... Asking for the tablet. I called the doctor again and he recommended the higher dosage back.
Friday(15th Feb), I went to office and it was better than Tuesday. I covered myself while I was travelling to office, din't go to cafeteria for lunch and took all precautions I could think of to avoid sun. But by evening I was drained out and tired.Saturday, we had our friends Daughter's 1st birthday party. I was feeling better and decided to go. I took the precautions - Long sleeved dress, sunscreen... The part was in an open area. The day was cloudy and it was not hot. I sat in the open area and enjoyed the day. But slowly I started feeling tired, giddy and nauseated. I thought that I have to fight it! I used up all my energy that day fighting against an unseen devil which I termed as laziness. I believed that!
That day night was bad! I couldn't manage. I am back to depressed drained out... My headache was back and I just wanted to die! Sunday, I got up from bed just for basic needs. I cried and cried. I couldn't help it. My worst nightmare came true. Monday, I had the doctor's appointment. I met my doctor and I was trying to be brave. Whatever he explained made sense - the most about my depression. I understood why I wanted to die. If I had a little more courage, I probably would have. Same dosage to continue and an injection. Another day in and out of sun did not help. Tuesday, I went to office but the day was laced with headache and depressing thoughts.
I knew that I needed rest and home. Thankfully 20th & 21st are bandh days. Thank god for small mercies! I am sitting at home and working. Better than going to office, but I still have headache. I am depressed. I really don't know what to do with myself.
